I am a vampire.
Let me get this off my chest. I don't sparkle. I never have sparkled. I never will sparkle.
If it was up to my girlfriend's opinion she'd laugh and say that I actually do and that the only way it can't be proven is because I hide from and hate all daylight. Now that's not true, I LOVE the sun. I mean in a freaky way. I'm not a sun worshiper, I'm a sun groupie. You get me in its beams and I am its slave. I want to get a backstage pass and do things to it I can brag about afterwards to hipsters about. The sun is nothing short of the most amazing thing I know about and that's including Bill Murray.
But I live in England. There is no sun here. We have digestive biscuits but the sun only exists in legends.
Yet people here still subscribe to the idea that daytime is where its at. If you aren't up before noon, even on a Saturday its "FUCK YOU, you're wasting the magic time!".
Its not like I'm missing out on that suntan I could not be getting in this miserable hellhole. Its also not like I've blown my chance to milk the cows and plough the fields before sundown comes and the countryside goes dark because firstly I'm not a farmer and secondly WE HAVE ELECTRICITY NOW YOU AMISH BASTARDS!
Ya see, In Ye Olden Days, the working day of 9 to 5 was structured because that's the only period when it was possible to see what you were doing (Its a bad idea to do that woodchopping at night dontcha know?) But now we have this miracle called light bulbs we also have constant internet connections to a wealth of knowledge, inter-continental communication networks and catalogues of on-demand books and films at our fingertips. So there is absolutely no reason to structure our time the way we do apart from thats the way we've always done it. There is no absolutely reason why we aren't a 24 hour society even though it would make more sense. How many people do shift work? Rotating shift work at that? How many people can't go do the things they want because when they finish up, the shops are closed? How many extra jobs could be filled with more working hours? How the shit are we supposed to get flying cars from Blade Runner if jackasses can't even realise we're wasting all that extra time needlessly?
Yet still, if you're up after 3AM its "What is wrong with you psycho?!". Well you know what...nothing.
At daytime I can't finish plucking my nosebeard without the phone going off and somebody trying to help me claim back that PPI Loan money I can't get because I've never had a loan in my life.
At daytime I can't enjoy my own living room because the neighbourhood kids play football in the communal back garden of my flat block and I personally find it creepy to sit there on my couch watching two girls nakedly grind on Game of Thrones while I hear little Timmy ask his mum to throw him down a juice box.
At daytime I can't do a lot of work because my girlfriend works awkward hours as a childcarer and I'd rather be using that time trying to grab her ass than type and research.
So I live at night and tonight from 2 AM onwards not only have I just watched Evil Dead 2 for the first time, done a pile of paperwork, read a crapload about Karl Jung I didn't know about, practised my Cantonese lessons and wrote this blog...I did it with no distractions and I got to wear a robe and slippers.
Edward Cullen can suck my balls. I'm the real deal. Now excuse me its almost 9AM and time for a snooze.
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